Growth

Growth is a constancy in my life.  But sometimes if you don’t step back from the picture you cant see all of it.  I am an intense person and the hardest thing as a human that I can do is unhinge my jaw and let go of something that matters to me.  Even if i’m literally murdering it by caring about it so much.  We do that in relationships a lot don’t we?  I think so.  I challenge myself often to take breaks from the internet to refresh my ideas, my voice, my internal need to express myself can often times surface as regurgitation of old ideas, or things i already figured out the answer to.  Like taking the same math class over and over because you like the feeling of knowing the answers.  Yep, i do that sometimes.  Not intentionally, but i do.   Do you?

I’ve always felt like an underdog.  The self-taught maniac who just wants more, to know more, to do more.  To figured out answers to questions that others had the fortunate ability to be taught in a professional setting.  I have had very few mentors, which i regret.  There are just so few in my reach.  so few that speak in a language that I can hear.  I still to this day feel like i’m having to prove myself.  I think when you reach a point when you are trying to prove yourself, when you no longer need to, you stop growing past the barrier of knowledge and into deep creative realms.  Technicalities allow us to instrument our way into creating whatever we want.  To use the tools to go further rather than needling at the same piece of wood for years until you have stopped growing because you became so obsessed with proving yourself.

A creative life is a self-destructive one.   I don’t care what anyone says and how they found balance between creating and self-loathing ,  pride, ego, love and madness and life.  you know like grocery shopping or feeding little beings you gave life to, or to take a night to sit across from a friend you may have not even seen in a year or two because you have been too busy “proving yourself.”.  Living in a world of extremes.  Not everyone but most of us and it is self-destructive because we cannot have it all so we prioritize and the creating need is always priority to life.   I know that’s a hard sentence to read, but it is true for many.

So how do you grow when you do not actually know you aren’t growing, or that you want to but do not know what to do to make that happen….  The answer is change.

Change environments.  Work in a different area.  Go places you haven’t been, Use a different piece of canvass.  Shoot different things. Abandon your fans. Experiment. Be a brat and do what isn’t “expected”.   Just change.   My personal growth lately has been my internal response to the ever present expectation whether imagined or not. The weight of expectation is poison. The obsession with progress and having to “prove myself” is poison.  Like carrying a a 500 lb back pack filled with self-doubt.

Take it off.

 

Grow, even if the path thins. Grow.

Grow, even if you loose everything comfortable. Just grow.

For nothing else but you.  This is your journey.

 

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